how can the devil hold you when the world is so amazingly beautiful

so i guess i have a short string of bad luck, or maybe just responsibility is just a major thorn in my side. it could be that the last 2 weeks of missing every church activity possible because of work has hindered the strength i need to make it through my weeks. i just know that last night was about as terrible as pain can get. i woke up with a headache. it was really bad, but then again i was half awake. so maybe i was just dreaming that it was bad. i just remember feeling so much pain that i thought i understood what other people felt while dealing with pain. the pain or ache sat under my right eye then i could feel my heart beat above eye and it just pounded and pounded for along time. i finally got up and took some Motrin. i hesitated to take anything because the past few days I've had headaches the only thing that got rid of them had been cold showers. luckily the headache slowly went away after i took the motrin. it was an interesting feeling. i felt the relief of the pain subsiding, instead of the pain itself.
yesterday i didn't get to go see Elders that had to leave. its a somber and downhearted feeling always when i lose my friends. this was no different and felt even worse because i haven't seen them for a few weeks. its just a pattern that has been on repeat the past 5 years, every 6 months someone else moves on. i feel like i led a flock of birds north during the winter. i didn't get to see them for almost 3 weeks, i never could find the time to go see them. it was mostly work but yeah just an excuse. yesterday with having to work and feeling like crap, i just wanted to fall asleep.
a big success is after a great disappointment. there is another pattern forming even though i miss a ton of things cause of work, there is a few good things that have happened. hopefully today is the start of more good things. after I get the new elders, it seems I've been off every transfer they've had for a year. I've always been available to get the new ones. which is a weird thing to think about this will be the last transfers I'm around for. maybe just one more but I'm sure it'll only be one of them leaving and coming. so after the passed 3 years of being here and all the sets of elders I've known which is in the thirties to forties now, seems a little bit unreal. when I think of all the marine work I've done it feels like i've been here for 5 years. and when I think of all the missionary work Ive done it feels like only a year at the most. I guess it answers any questions of why I had to be here and not some place else.

at any rate this band Gregor Samsa uh
"While swimming through this music, you will find, for sure, some beautiful symphonic orchestrations, a lot of nostalgic guitars and many distant noises made by thousands of soft keyboards and dreamy voices whispering oceanic lullabies in your ears (because, without any advice, by the end of the first song you will be at the bottom of the sea)..."