Finally forever is over between me and you

finally i've come to the conclusion that i don't care about this thing anymore. i've come to the conclusion that i'll always be desirable of attention from others that will never understand me. that attention i do receive will be not good enough. and in this time in my life this song will most likely hit my feelings of loneliness and longing to not be so alone right on the nose.

Sailing heart-ships thru broken harbors
Out on the waves in the night
Still the searcher must ride the dark horse
Racing alone in his fright.
Tell me why, tell me why

Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself,
When your old enough to repay but young enough to sell?

Tell me lies later, come and see me
Ill be around for a while.
I am lonely but you can free me
All in the way that you smile
Tell me why, tell me why

Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself,
When your old enough to repay but young enough to sell?

Tell me why, tell me why
Tell me why, tell me why

congratulations on paying attention to me long enough to read that i no longer care about this.

crazy forever

when i left the marines about 4 weeks ago. they gave me the Mameluke sword. i sword given to officers staff non commission and non commission officers in the marines. they had a regular going away. except the younger marines and myself played football in the rain. but before that and after we ate and presented me with the sword, they asked for a speech. the guy above stated how he had seen many people get out of the marines. but no one had a plan to keep serving like me. he was someone, i didn't expect, who wanted me to give the speech. it was rather easy for me to do though. i simply gave my testimony of service. paraphrasing i simply stated

"serving for others in the marines is thankless in many ways. even if i and most of the marines in SC are stuck with the job we have, we are all giving are time. when other give more, we give what isn't asked, but is needed. what you give is time, precious time when you could be with your families across the United States. its thankless cause its taken for granted by so many now a days. you volunteer to be put on a wall to watch over others, but the wall isn't seen by the ones you protect, so its thankless. so cherish the moments you have with the people you love. cherish them every time you see them cause in our business it is that more special. watch over each other and watch over yourself. with all of that said the greatest thing you can do in this life is die for your friends and love ones. the next is give time, give in charity. if you can keep that in your mind you can be a good marine. hell, you'll be a good person."






with all the good feelings and hopeful thoughts i gave. this Asian guy goes to jail for beating his wife a week later. SAD AND IRONIC

i'm back home now.
i haven't had so much time to myself with no cares in mind in the longest time. probably 5 years. there is my old friends, they were a ton to handle. but it was never boring. the past few days i've been working with my uncle and my dad. mostly carpenter work and remodeling a huge garage to store alot of crap that my uncle owns. i've come to the conclusion that i have to be able to work outside with my hands for a career. i want to come home dirty and it shows that i worked hard. i guess i want to be challenged.
other than that my life as of now is boring. i've become Mr. Mom and have cleaned my room and reorganized it to fit my needs, cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms several times, and now the living room. i've fixed a light socket, a garage door, a ceiling fan, reinstalled a the surround system, ran new cable wire through the walls, and a few more things. now i need to find a job. i have a few idea i should be working hopefully by Dec. 1.

i'm so lonely though. its been so hard living at home. i feel left out. i miss having people around. my family is so secluded in what they do. my mom is so deluded in her ways. so is my dad. my brother is off in his own world all day. then my mom always has the nerve to yell at me for something. which is retarded.
i guess i need friends here. the hardest part is having feelings for someone you never get to see. you never get to talk too.

where do i go?

i am struggling to find my footing. i felt out of place in south carolina the past week. now i'm home and i'm having similar problems. its hard to be home, its almost as hard, if not harder, being here. i have no support. i don't know how i'm going to make it here.

devil went down to the dirty

a real long post i've been typing for a week on here about this past month of october. i can't seem to finish it. today is my last day in sotuh carolina. i'm leaving tomorrow morning. i was asked yesterday if i was excited to return home from serving in the military. without actually thinking about the question. i responded with out a doubt, "no." I am excited to leave here. No matter the kindness people have shown me, or complete rejection. This place just doesn't fit around me well. I've spent the last week fishing and tying up lose ends. Its time for me to go though. I'm excited to go home but i just don't feel all that happy too.
Its really sad to say that i can feel the temptures hand in my life everyday. No matter what i do, say or pray. He is there. After such a wonderful month of blessings and hope filling moments. I've come to this point. At times i can feel the spirit. bu around every corner the evil temptations have been close by. Its really been hard week. hopefully going homefor awhile he'll lose me along the way

free to be tormented

October was quite a month. its rather hard to believe that it was a month, but feels like a week and about 6 months at the same time. when i was in Utah i spent time with my friend Ed and his family. Ed is a character, his social skills aren't that wonderful. Although he is an outstanding preisthood holder. We both served in the Marines together, both members, and thats about all we had in common. Thats all we ever really needed to be really good friends. The week i spent in Utah we sat and talked about how life relates to the gospel about every night, for at least an hour. the last night i was there we talked for several hours about where we wanted to go and what we wanted to do. I've never had a friend that was like that before. Even though Ed is a huge noodle and a goober. His kids got me sick. at the same time it was really fun having kids around. only cause they weren't mine and i could leave when i wanted too.
I met tonja, which was weird. at the sametime it didn't feel like we just met. so that really wasn't weird. it has been weird to see her react to things after i left. yeah. she likes me in a way that i can never like her back the same way. I also got to see Amber. Amber is like a cousin. granted we both have the same last name but we are nothing a like but some how we have fun. she is real straight forward about what she wants. but at the same time isn't demanding and is real passive in it. I really want the best for her, she loves utah, at the same time its been really hard for her. I express how i want the best for her. hopefully she knows how i hopethat she does well at BYU.
All my missionary buddies, were non existant. all the plans that i had failed to happen. My best buddythere was leaving for Iraq and was not around at all. all the others were in school and coldn't make time for anything. Probably cause they were return missionaries and all had new girlfriends.
The whole reason why i went to Utah was to go to Conference. and i couldn't have asked for anything better. Saturday i went with Amber. I had a gracious feeling listening and soaking the feelings i had with in the each session. On sunday it was even better. more cause it was a brighter day out. I spent it with Bonny, which is really hard to explain. Both days were nice but Sunday had more of a caressing feel to it. i felt more comforted even though i felt horribly sick both days.
the next few days were slow but found some type of whatever to keep me busy. i forget what day i left either way it was sad. i think out of all the non family members i have the ones care the most about live there. plus being at home and being there and leaving both wore on me. It really humbled my outlook on my life. It is a blessing to have so many people all around the united states that know me.

after i came back to south carolina. i realized why i was feeling so good. from the moment i left Phoenix heading to Utah all i really did was talk and study the gospel. On the transfering flight to SLC. i met 2 elders that were going home to Denver. They had served in Jacksonville Florida. There 1st councilor in the mission presidency was my first Branch President in Pensacola. During the Trip mostly me and Ed talked alot. I talked to Amber on the way to and from conference about it and how her family and herself related to it. i think the most interesting thing about the talks i had was with Bonny. When we went through Alpine loop and we were talking about how the earth and the solar system was formed. Today during fast and testimony meeting i bore my testimony of how the sung ives off over a million atomic bombs worth of energy each second. The patriarch here is known for getting up about ever testimony meeting and stating "Look at how beautiful that sun light is coming throughthat window isn't it glorious?"
Bonny gave me a small test to bless the food for breakfast on sunday morning. During every conference i've ever been apart of there has been a single talk that sticks out to me and just turns in my heart. A month earlier i was half awake in my bed in my old room at the barracks. when i had this dream of a lomb. and the lady creating this work of art or blanket was telling me how the world is created. its much like fabric. we all all sewn together with the spirit of god. and how peices don't stay close together when they are rubbed on or pulled out. As i watched and listened to President Eyring proclaim to the world for unity saying "Our hearts knit together as one. I watched Bonny crochet her infamous afghan. I truely love the gospel and am so infinitely gracious when i know that my heavenly father is talking to me. granted for having the dream and having the words of an apostle of god proclaim it all to me. but with her doing that which isn't a real big quincidence. Still there was more to it that i can't quiet figure out yet.
2 sundays after i came home i went to Parris Island. Where i shared this event with the recruits. One of them being.