time is worth

when i purchased my ticket today. i know for a fact i picked the earliest flight available. i know i did. when i showed up they had me leaving on a totally different flight. not even the same time am or pm. but there is nothing i can do. the receipt says something different as well. i don't feel upset, as i am just eager to leave. for the first time ever leaving home i was not even a tiny bit sad to leave. now i feel as if im going to burst. another day holding in these feelings or the ability to express them is almost to much. in someway i feel as if i won't be able to let them out at all. the time i do have is just not enough. i have calculated all the possible time and even then it would just not be enough. and losing an evening just destroys me. but in a way this is what i prayed for. i asked for a confirmation of how i really felt and now i know. if i only knew how to express it in a way that could be received easily. more prayer is needed like always.

here it is

i have been so tired. but as of now i am really tired, really really. i prepared this whole week for a moment that i have been waiting years for. so often i was discouraged. it didn't turn as planned. but it happened. i am grateful for the blessings of having a family ward. i asked my class to come over, although only one family came over it was a big family and all the kids sang for my family. then we prayed and ate. i made cake for the kids for singing. then i showed everyone these videos. i bore them my testimony of how i knew the church was true.


i got a few cards with a few dollars. which helps out a ton. i need it. and i received the best book i have ever received on my birthday.







worth it

i have learned i'm a wee bit girly

the past few weeks have been full of stress. even though i know it is the adversary trying to discourage me, i have done my best to stay positive. tonight and today were no different. i don't think i have handled these few weeks the best way. but i think i've come to realize how do handle it. tonight all i wanted to do was bake a 2 cakes for the kids and read scriptures. so far i have made a cake and read a chapter. turns out home boy doesn't bake cakes! but i'm working on another one that is really jacked up but we will see how it goes. i reached my limit of adversity today and i could just feel the spirit leaving me. as i often do when wanting to feel the spirit i just think of church and hymns. soon one will come to my head. tonight the one that stuck out when rambling spiritual words in my head was "i feel my saviors love." it stuck out because of a two boys i teach. they have horrible voices, i mean high pitched and they screech. but they sing it with true feeling for the savior. they put their hearts into it and i can always hear them sing in church cause they try harder than anyone else. when i heard tonight in my head i felt the spirit. once again, like so many times this week, i started to just tear up. i know that he is there and his love is constant and it never disappears. it is in the forefront above everything else. just as the little boys who sing like angels.

I really need to learn.

i have really worked on starting my family history this past week. i have come to find out that most of the information i do have for my family is pretty much done in the temple. When i was going through the temple i had this wonderful feeling inside of me. It felt as if someone very close to me was just gleaming with happiness on the other side. with so many emotions going through me that day I never deciphered what or who it was. Then going through the records i knew it was my aunt. who passed away before i even knew her. as i read her name as being baptised and endowed. tears filled my eyes. crying so much i could not remember the last time it had happened. but again most of the work is done there. so to press on in the other 3 sides of my family tree. still needing my grandmother on my mom side and both grandparents on my dads side.
even doing this wonderful work for my ancestors, i have come to see that my family here on earth is really putting me through a huge test. it seems my dad only cares for himself. my mother seems to care about so much more than me. my brother is way off the scale of many things. i have had so many doubts about them. the adversary has really worked on my feelings and overwhelmed me so often. but i have felt the spirit more in my life than i ever have before. it seems each day i get into such hard feelings that i end up on my knees praying for guidance for what seems like hours. last night was one of the worst times i ever had with it. i was tempted several times. both ending in me praying long and hard. later to have joyful personal revelations for what it is i need to do. i'm glad to know that sometimes normally i would just find it okay to give in to the temptation and be upset. it may seem rather small but through what i have been through with my parents it has been a great blessing to know that i am progressing for the better.

first i was asked to pay the mortgage on my parents home. which is hard enough to do as is cause i have worked so hard to save my money. i have done well for myself and have been blessed. my mom has worked for 6 years with little support from my dad. but they have taken to much money from me that i will have to sell my truck. but im not very worldly. i can part from it and get another when i return, from my mission. still they are just trying slowly planting seeds to bring down my spirit.
then a couple of things happened to make this help in paying for the mortgage a huge slap in my face. my mom calls me from work demanding i order a new cable box for her room. which is pointless they dont need it. obviously cant afford it why do you need it when your son is paying for your house?
they continually destroy their bodies. one never eats. one smokes and drinks. none of them eat anything healthy. if i wasn't here, every night would be red meat, always. one night no one was home and it ended up that we had to order out. i was asked what i wanted i simply stated "a number 2 with a milkshake" i was soon mocked and laughed at cause that would cost way to much James! when my brother was asked what he wanted he order 2 meals. im only paying for the roof over our heads its okay. then i am mocked again when the toilet gets clogged. "james did it" yeah its me the only one who eats fiber in the house. yes the guy who plans out every meal he eats. soon i am called by other people in the family " james can i talk to your mom? oh yea why did you break the toilet?" yes i admit to being very embarrassed
there are a few more minor things happened that would get under my skin. a camping trip for one. but the worst thing to happen is they have indulged on my kindness. i have helped out my baby cousins learn how to play baseball. my aunt gave me 20 dollars for it, for helping them out several times. its was a nice gesture for her to pay me but i refused the money on more than one occasion. but eventually i gave in took the money. at the time in my pocket i had 100 dollars not including that 20 dollar bill. i needed to money to repay back someone i owed money too for helping me out. i set the money out in my room. but i'm at home figuring it was okay in a safe place not even thinking the it turning up missing. i figured it would be okay. i woke up one morning to find it out of its original location it was in the night before. only to find 20 dollars missing. so how wonderful is that? my parents stealing money from me. i soon walk out of my room not very out raged but upset. soon walks in my dad with the same poisons that i have mentioned hurting him before. but normally he cant always buy these things cause he doesn't have a job. but if you put one and one together it adds up perfectly. so the kind act of me of helping and my aunt goes to beer and cigarettes. great.
my mom asked am i really leaving to Guatemala. after i've done and told her about getting passports, clothes, etc. i'm like yes..... she soon replied "well you need to fill out a will" my first reaction is to be upset over the lack of faith. i know the lord will protect me, but you never know what lies ahead. plus she doesn't understand. then i soon figure out what she really meant. i told her "why would i need a will? her answer "what will happen to your money?" not what if something happens how will we afford this or that"
i know money is a touchy subject but seriously? its not about me or the lords work. its all about money to them. i'm sure she cares for me but that thought and that answer and every reaction i get shows that they just don't get it. my attempts so far to help them have been falling on deaf ears. i know i could tell right away that what i am to them sometimes is to be taken granted. if i do pass away on my mission the church will pay for the funeral. but if they make me or try to force me to make a will they wont see a penny. they will receive the greatest gift i ever owned and that being my scriptures.
i am happy to say that my grandfather and mother were very supportive. i love them very much. along with my mom dad and brother. i have prayed to forgive them. i know that in someway i have. even though its still under my skin. this friday my class will sing for them. i have set up a small church youtube video for them. the senior missionaries will be here along with the elders. friday will be a great day for them. i hope that they can learn from the spirit. which means i need to learn how to forgive them by then.

no more

there is just so much negative ugliness in my day to day life. i just can not take it anymore. i'm just broken down. there was so much weight on my shoulders. during these feelings i have had or similar feelings of hurt, guilt, and discomfort it was so hard to humble myself to pray. but did. both times soon after the spirit came into me. it was sweet to the taste. tonight it was felt so profoundly. i know that heavenly father loves me. over the simplest things i know he does. even in my small tortured life i know i'm protected.

For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of dry ground; he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him.
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
All we, like sheep, have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb so he opened not his mouth.
He was taken from prison and from judgment; and who shall declare his generation? For he was cut off out of the land of the living; for the transgressions of my people was he stricken.
And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no evil, neither was any deceit in his mouth.
Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief; when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
He shall see the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied; by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death; and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bore the sins of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

vicious traditions

there are so many troubled souls in the world. there are so many unrighteous traditions. i really wish i could express the things i feel. i have heard the best way to express ones feelings is to describe the work. but i can't. my feelings are bottled and caught inside of me. to my savior i am forever grateful. to my every imperfection and fault hurts so much tonight.

furiously disappointed

for the first time in i don't know how long, this weekend someone genuinely treated me like a real person. It actually happened on more than one occasion. Twice i was bailed out of a pickle, someone stepped up and took care of me when i was down. One more time someone was helping me with something and gave me a look of "yeah i understand what you are going through". Every time i was grateful beyond words. The temple was absolutely amazing. i doubt anything has had more profound effect on me than being there.

but today was one of the worst of my life. i can't even find the words to describe the disappointment, dejection, and rejection i feel right now. after desiring to pour out all these feelings they won't get the best of me tonight.

lucky, coincidence, or blessed

they say that everything happens for a reason. there are a lot of things that seem to happen to bring things into perspective. then there are things that try to stop other things from happening. through making right choices the best things can lay ahead. while making poor choices may erase or starve out a better path to life. its hard to decipher things that happen that happen right away. sometimes it works out to where at least you know the right choices are being made. today was sort of like one of the days that show you are making the right one. knowing that the person i've known for only 10 hours total. the elder to baptize me is also the guy to be my escort in the temple. it may be small group of only 4 people i know and a couple others, but still it'll be a most satisfactory day.


off the top of my head

San Antonio Temple dedication and the day I go in the MTC - June 24
Mission President and I both born in San Antonio
Baptism, both priesthood, Temple Endowments and patriarchal blessing all received around the spring
Patriarch who gave me my patriarchal blessing left on his mission the same day as my birthday
My first duty station Beaufort South Carolina 50 years earlier my grandfather served in Beaufort South Carolina at his first duty station.