the new me

so the past 3 weeks i've become very eager to leave my old life behind. so i have started over, this is a time to a start a new pattern of consistency. I'm excited to leave the cell phone/internet world. i've decided not to get a new cell phone when i come back unless the company i work for is going to give me one. i think i'll let go of the internet too. but that is to be determined later. my main thing is to make my life more human. so if you want to talk to me i'll write it down, i'll speak on a phone but mostly i'll see you face to face. I want you to be real. i want the human factor to matter the most. i have felt so isolated my entire life. all the worldly things say "maybe or possibly it could happen". or all of these feelings could be in a fad that is getting ready for my mission call. anyways life goes on.

my family = ignorant and weird

My family is really is. I'll start with just naming them and going through their antics.

My mom: i spend more time with her than anyone else so i got more stuff on her. She is so closed minded. She loves country music, people, and the culture. She hates black music culture, people, and all things black. The entire Super Bowl, "that black guys hair is so gross i hate it!" its so ignorant! if you look at the cultures they are basically the SAME THING. they both have poor influence background, self pride and tons of other things. I am reminded of Elder Eryings talk in general conference. "we build unity with people who are from vastly different backgrounds. The children of God have more in common than they have differences. And even the differences can be seen as an opportunity"
she's in another world all the time. i can never keep up.

My brother. he is a brilliant kid and is really witty. but is so sheltered. today my dad and i were talking about the plane crash in new york. my brother chimes in "wait, . . . there was a plane CRASH!" yes michael get out of your room and off the computer! if the world ended he wouldn't know. He gets babied by my mom. he never does anything he is uncomfortable with. my mom loves to do those things for him. it really makes me sick.

my aunt asked me to help her give a speech because she heard my talk at church was really good. true she has no idea why it was good. but still its funny.

today was difficult

"The purpose of the gospel is . . . to make bad men good and good men better, and to change human nature

"It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts"

ok Bonny

You've had a hard time understanding me for a while. its really gotten to me. but it was hard for many reasons. mainly cause i'm going to serve a mission and any feelings i had became less important. but i've decided to just write it down and avoid anything now. but any way i should be out on my mission. having fun being a tool for the lord. i know its much more than that. but i'm going to keep this as simple as possible. I'm not typing this while i'm on my mission. I have typed this before hand while i'm allowed to think and dwell on this subject. I'm not sure how to start talking about my feelings with you but i'll just get into it. When I got baptized I really didn't know what i was getting into. When I was going through the lessons I can remember knowing questions i always had being answered. I really had no way of understanding what i really needed to do to be a member of the church. I was surrounded in an environment i couldn't handle. I was dating you and i had the truest purest feelings in my heart for you. it ended horrible. but it was necessary obviously but i had to make it a one on one relationship. I had to make the choice for myself. When i did it opened up so many doors. as you know all the wonderful things that you get for being obedient. As time passed I started to realize other things about Heavenly Fathers plan for me.
So many chances happened for things to work out they way they do. When i was 15 and i had such bad anxiety. I was curious about the plan of salvation or in a limited terms i was worried about dying. My heart was broken cause I was terrified of dying. i had no idea what would happen. I remember crying and crying for weeks. I'd come home from school and just sulk in my bed. I saw a movie that changed the way i perceived life. it summed up all the negative things in this world and how i despised it. i hoped for something more. in some way my worries of death disappeared.
Before we met i decided to join the marines. the principal reason being I wanted a big family. a family like my grandpa had. he had a great wife


with all this said, i'm stuck on you. i can't get the sound of you out of my head. i've tried so many things. i've even tried not trying. still at the end of everyday you have always stuck out. everytime i were to move on and would be some one succesful i'd end up with in my life in some way. Its funny how you end up back into my mind. so many times i'd be teaching or listening to the gospel and you would come back into my thoughts. or how every wonderful song i hear i'll be interested in what the words are saying. i'll look them up and they'll be about someone you can't get over or some pleading for a second chance or just being in love.