you and me

relationships are hard to figure out, while you still are involved emotionally. once that connection is lost they are pretty simple to figure out. lately no matter what i've come to think about any of them, romantic ones, friendships, and family are all just a blur of confusion.

i really don't care it starts. i'm no fan of big extravagant events in relationships. i just want it to happen. to have the mature connection where there is no pressure. where we can just enjoy what time we have. we can laugh about the hard times that we have and will have. our lives will be one long musical numbers. beautifully written of highs and lows. but it will be continuous.
i will admit that i can take perfect care of myself. i can cook i can clean i can arrange my life so i make it by without anyone in my life. except for you. you will be the person that makes all my worries go away and amplify my dreams beyond what i can fathom at this moment. you can just remind me how lucky i am to have you.
we will learn to prepare for the future, and we will hope to be a team. with our charity we will conquer what holds a hearts. most of the preparing will happen holding hands and praying on our knees. our house will reflect and show off a wonderful feelings of the spirit. the spirit of the lord will be filled through out the halls. the saviour will be present and our house will be second only to the temple. there will not just be love but a human factor will be present. where all who have hope and love in their heart will be able to recognize it.
music will play through out the day. wonderful peace will fill to the ceiling. compassion will be shared and respect for every living thing will be recognized.
our family counsels will reflect what our hearts desires. what we lend to one another will be communication. even when i'm constantly joking with you. i will remind you how beautiful you are. how sweet your soul is. how my dreams come true everyday being with you.
she'll find out my idiosyncrasies too. like when i cry about love tears come from my right eye. and when i'm sad about life or another reason thats not a longing of love i cry out of my left.

sociopathic and lovely

i will be trying my best to leave this isolated world. to where i don't know. i am really getting depressed. on sunday i thought that my life was changing. the entire week i really prepared for a talk. i fasted, i prayed, and studied. I discovered myself really appreciating the gospel. i hadn't quite felt the spirit so strongly since i left Utah.
i mean i think about you. i also think about you too and all of you. i hope to understand why i trick myself into thinking that everything is fine, but when i face the facts, it all seems impossible.

i feel horrible, i'm sick of being tempted by people that "love me"
for the past 3 months, some of the most rotten things have been done by the people that have said that to me.

if anything i just wish i was appreciated a little more. but i guess my feelings for you don't count, i guess the things i do for you dont either, im sure you are more important.

i'm no longer

trying to be nice, for now. i've tried to be nice. not anymore.

Prayer Is Much Needed

"There is an opinion, that parties in free countries are useful checks upon the administration of the Government, and serve to keep alive the spirit of Liberty. This within certain limits is probably true; and in Governments of a Monarchical cast, Patriotism may look with indulgence, if not with favor, upon the spirit of party. But in those of the popular character, in Governments purely elective, it is a spirit not to be encouraged. From their natural tendency, it is certain there will always be enough of that spirit for every salutary purpose. And, there being constant danger of excess, the effort ought to be, by force of public opinion, to mitigate and assuage it. A fire not to be quenched, it demands a uniform vigilance to prevent its bursting into a flame, lest, instead of warming, it should consume. "
- George Washington, Farewell Address - September 17, 1796

“I am convinced that the people generally of the United States have not studied the Constitution. Many of them have never read it, and some know nothing concerning what it is all about.”
– Joseph Fielding Smith, General Conference—April 1950

“Many will be hoisted because of their money and the worldly learning which they seem to be in possession of; and many who are the true followers of our Lord and Savior will be cast down because of their poverty. There will be two great political parties in this country. One will be called the Republican, and the other the Democrat party. These two will go to war and out of these two parties will spring another party which will be the Independent American Party. “The United States will spend her strength and means warring in foreign lands until other nations will say, "Let's divide up the lands of the United States", then the people of the U. S. will unite and swear by the blood of their fore-fathers, that the land shall not be divided. Then the country will go to war, and they will fight until one half of the U.S. army will give up, and the rest will continue to struggle. They will keep on until they are very ragged and discouraged, and almost ready to give up--when the boys from the mountains will rush forth in time to save the American Army from defeat and ruin. And they will say, 'Brethren, we are glad you have come; give us men, henceforth, who can talk with God'. Then you will have friends, but you will save the country when its liberty hangs by a hair, as it were". – Mosiah Hancock, who was a boy of about ten at the time, quotes Joseph Smith as saying this just a few days before his death


“Maybe the Lord will never set up a specific Church program for the purpose of saving the Constitution. Perhaps if he set up one at this time it might split the Church asunder, and perhaps he does not want that to happen yet, for not all the wheat and tares are fully ripe. The Prophet Joseph Smith declared it will be the Elders of Israel who will step forward to help save the Constitution, not the Church.” – Ezra Taft Benson, GC April 1965

salvation

Creation
1. We lived as spirit children in a pre - mortal life
We lived with heavenly father before we were born on this earth. We knew of our heavenly father and he knew of us on a personal level. Our heavenly father yearned for us to be like him, glorified eternal beings that would live eternally in his presence. During this pre - mortal life we had reached a point where we could not progress anymore, with out receiving a physical body and experience a mortal life of trials.
2. Different plans were brought forward
A great council in heaven was held. Our HF created a plan, where we would experience death and be showered in sin. A plan where some of the children would fall short and other valiant children would receive eternal life. It was a blueprint that allowed us to choose right from wrong. We would use agency to choose between eternal joy and eternal unhappiness. This plan required a savior, someone to cleanse us of our transgressions because in this plan we wouldn't be perfect. Someone would have to be an example for us. A savior would have to atone for our sins and redeem us from our mistakes and short comings. Our elder brother Jesus Christ asked to be the one who would be the savior. Although this plan was very demanding for heavenly fathers children, some would be lost in this plan; many would fall short of eternal joy.
Lucifer wanted to find a flaw in this plan. So he opposed this plan. He wanted all the glory for himself through his plan. A scheme that plotted forced us to make the right choices. Allowing Lucifer to receive all the glory, and not allowing us to have choice in our lives. His plan was rejected and all that followed him were cast out of heaven. These former children of HF were now sons of Perdition. They were also not separated from our earthly presence. This allows them to torment heavenly fathers plan today. This allows an opposition to our lives, which gives us an opportunity to learn and grow from our mistakes
3. And was called Perdition, for the heavens wept over him—he was Lucifer, a son of the morning (Doctrine and Covenants 76:26).
Mortality
HF went to work creating the universe and world we live in today.
1. Adam and Eve were the first man and woman on this earth
Adam being the patriarch of the human race, shared this transition period with his companion Eve. During this period they were no longer in the spirit world but not yet susceptible to sin or affection. Soon both would break the law issued to them by our heavenly father. But this fall is a planned transgression. It was an occasion, an opportunity to start fulfilling heavenly fathers plan. This plan would exercise our free agency. Others may think that Eve's choice to partake in this transgression was a terrible thing which has condemned and flawed woman.
Not the Latter-day Saints! Informed by revelation, we celebrate Eve’s act and honor her wisdom and courage in the great episode called the fall (see Bruce R. McConkie
Moses recorded the words of Father Adam in saying "Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God."


2. Once on this earth we are needed to have faith repent and be obedient.
Mother Eve repeated the wisdom that she and her husband had by saying that they "never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God gives unto all the obedient."
By being obedient we learn wonderful truths about life. We learn the correct values and principles in life to follow. Simple principles of faith;

we believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel and through these ordinance and by having faith.

We also believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
3. During this life we have a wonderful choice to progress; to learn many different things, to have and be with a family, and many other wonderful things to help us during or journey. I love the tender compaction my heavenly father has shared in my life. I’ve learned so many things about myself and my own purpose here on this earth. We have many chances to perform what the lord wants us to do to return home.

Death and Resurrection

1. All of Gods children are looked out for. He has a plan for all of us to return to his presence again. Through temple work we can be sealed to our families forever. Relatives not baptized by the authority needed will be once reunited with us through Temple baptisms.
When we are born we are innocent. Once we reach a certain age we are required to learn of god. We are obligated to not just know of him and have faith, but to gain a testimony of him. To be born of God and be baptized, Jesus told this Nicodemus “I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
Also the prophet Alma testified to his son Helaman about repentance.
I have labored without ceasing, that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost.

2. In this life we are to do all we can to learn and progress. To teach to learn to make your life a life long discipleship to heavenly father and his son Jesus Christ. This is a daily spiritual practice, by doing kind deeds, charitable works, and any personal developments needed to be sanctified. Not yielding to social intellectual and physical needs to progress. These simple desires of life are necessary to our development of ones self and family.
No matter how far you progress in life spiritually or how much work you do in this life we will still fall from perfection. Only one person has ever come to know perfection. He is the whole purpose of this talk. Jesus Christ our lord and savior was the one, to redeem us all.
These words of Isaiah ring true in my heart. For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.

3. Our elder brother suffered for our sins. No matter what sin that you have committed or will commit in the future. He has paid the price for us. By his grace we are saved.
His example is a marvelous one. In his 33 years on the earth he was born in humble surroundings. He learned how to be a carpenter from his father Joseph to build upon Buildings, paralleled to help building up the kingdom of his heavenly father. He was a teacher, an obedient servant, a healer and did so many wonderful things. But the most important thing he did was atone for our sins.

6 For as death hath passed upon all men, to fulfil the merciful plan of the great Creator, there must needs be a power of resurrection, and the resurrection must needs come unto man by reason of the fall; and the fall came by reason of transgression; and because man became fallen they were cut off from the presence of the Lord.

8 O the wisdom of God, his mercy and grace! For behold, if the flesh should rise no more our spirits must become subject to that angel who fell from before the presence of the Eternal God, and became the devil, to rise no more.
9 And our spirits must have become alike unto him, and we become devils, angels to a devil, to be shut out from the presence of our God, and to remain with the father of lies, in misery, like unto himself; yea, to that being who beguiled our first parents, who transformeth himself nigh unto an angel of light, and stirreth up the children of men unto secret combinations of murder and all manner of secret works of darkness.
10 O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of this awful monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit.


4. After our mortal death we will enter into 2 kingdoms. One being a spirit paradise, the other being spirit prison. Prison is not the same thing as hell or outer darkness. Spirit prison is a place where the children of god have not received a fullness of the gospel. In this place they will be taught the fullness of the gospel. All beings will be resurrected into these 2 conditions of existence. Spirit paradise will be a place of rest. Momentous last words given by the prophet Moroni in the book of Mormon, “I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite, and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge of both quick and dead. Amen.”



Judgment and Glories

1. A day will come that the lord and savior will return. Our bodies will be reunited with our spirits. For all those in spirit paradise and in spirit prison will be judge according to what they have accepted of the gospel. They also will be judge of there works and progress here on this earth.
On the judgment day we will stand in front of heavenly father. Our elder brother will stand beside us. We will each individually be judge for our works.

we shall have a perfect knowledge of all our guilt, and our uncleanness, and our nakedness; and the righteous shall have a perfect knowledge of their enjoyment, and their righteousness 2 Nephi 9

And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil—
And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works.
And it shall come to pass, that whoso repenteth and is baptized in my name shall be filled; and if he endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world.
For behold, out of the books which have been written, and which shall be written, shall this people be judged, for by them shall their works be known unto men.
And behold, all things are written by the Father; therefore out of the books which shall be written shall the world be judged (3 Nephi 27:14-16, 25, 26)

1. Once we are judged we will enter into 3 kingdoms

A. in the gospel of john Jesus states that “In my Father's house are many mansions"
there will be a kingdom for all a kingdom for those who, “received not the gospel of Christ, neither the testimony of Jesus" (D&C 76:82) this being the Telestrial Kingdom
B. Then others that are to, "receive of the presence of the Son, but not of the fulness of the Father. Wherefore, they are bodies terrestrial, and not bodies celestial, and differ in glory as the moon differs from the sun" (D&C 76:77–78)
these are people who lived morally sound lives but were confused and blinded by the ways of man. These individuals will receive the Terrestrial kingdom.
C. Then there are others that receive the greatest glory, the ones that were most valiant and virtues. They are the ones that, "received the testimony of Jesus" and been "made perfect through Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, who wrought out this perfect atonement through the shedding of his own blood" (D&C 76:51, 69). These people will receive the celestial kingdom. This is the kingdom where our heavenly father lives.
All of these wonderful promises were given through the restoration. I love how plain and simple it was. I am grateful for the prophet of the restoration, Joseph Smith. This is truly wonderful time to be alive. There is much work to do in our lives, in our homes, in our church and in the temple. This wonderful message I have shared with you can be summarized wonderfully by our late prophet and President Gordon B. Hinckley. He described the restoration as the dawn of a brighter day. He said: "Somehow, in that long season of darkness, a candle was lighted. The age of Renaissance brought with it a flowering of learning, art, and science. There came a movement of bold and courageous men and women who looked heavenward in acknowledgment of God and His divine Son. We speak of it as the Reformation.
"And then, after many generations had walked the earth—so many of them in conflict, hatred, darkness, and evil—there arrived the great, new day of the Restoration. This glorious gospel was ushered in with the appearance of the Father and the Son to the boy Joseph. The dawn of the dispensation of the fullness of times rose upon the world. All of the good, the beautiful, the divine of all previous dispensations was restored in this most remarkable season" ("The Dawning of a Brighter Day,"
I’m grateful for my family, for my friends all through out this world, and all the people I will meet, for their love and support. I look forward to the day our elder brother, our savior Jesus Christ returns to this earth again. A day which is known as the millennium, it will be a day of peace and rest. I can not imagine the joy that will fill our hearts. I can only compare this thought to the epic masterpiece of literature written by the Italian Dante Alighieri. In his tale called the Divine Comedy, when Dante looks into the face of God: "at this high moment, ability failed my capacity to describe," Paradiso, XXXIII, 142)



Amulek taught that “this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God” (Alma 34:32). With our conscience, which comes from the Light of Christ, every one of us can discern between good and evil, between truth and error (see Moro. 7:16–19). With our agency, the right to choose and act for ourselves, we can choose to do what is right or what is not. We can choose to follow the plan of happiness and obey the commandments of God, or reject the commandments of God and not be happy, for “behold, I say unto you, wickedness never was happiness” (Alma 41:10). The progress we make and the happiness we attain depend upon our choices (see 2 Ne. 2:27).
"God is the Father of our spirits. We are literally His children, and He loves us. We lived as spirit children of our Father in Heaven before we were born on this earth. We were not, however, like our Heavenly Father, nor could we ever become like Him and enjoy all the blessings that He enjoys without the experience of living in mortality with a physical body.
"God's whole purposes—His work and His glory—are to enable each of us to enjoy all His blessings. He has provided a perfect plan to accomplish His purpose. We understood and accepted this plan before we came to the earth"
"The time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; "And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables" (2 Timothy 4:3–4).
The first is that we might gain experiences that we could not obtain in any other way. The second is to obtain tabernacles of flesh and bones. All of this is made possible by Jesus Christ. He is the centerpiece of the eternal plan of the Father, the Savior who was provided as a ransom for mankind. God sent His Beloved Son to overcome the Fall of Adam and Eve. He came to earth as our Savior and Redeemer. He overcame the obstacle of physical death for us by giving up His own life. When He died on the cross, His spirit became separated from His body. On the third day His spirit and His body were reunited eternally, never to be separated again.

most of the time

i feel more than completely invisible. if i had something to say it falls on deaf ears. Like how tonight, how strongly i felt the spirit when the elders were teaching my parents. I could feel more of what has been promised to me come true. tears that normally come out during this time of night aren't there anymore as they have been in the past. they peak from my eyes in a different ways now. for that i am grateful. more than blessed to progress to know i have someone to pray too. instead of being depressed, it feels good to be me.

Beatrice Portinari

I have taken on myself to read Dante's Divine Comedy. some how i will have to complete the 14000 lines and 100 cantos. i can't help but resist the beautifully worded imagery. for example

And she began: "All things whate'er they be
Have order among themselves, and this is form,
That makes the universe resemble God.
Here do the higher creatures see the footprints
Of the Eternal Power

which all this reminds me of half a year ago, of these two parts of poetry.
Running Streams

And Also these images of what i fail to describe
At This High Moment, Ability Failed My Capacity To Describe

I study the scriptures and continue to reflect on my life. the past is gone, but is a constant shadow to the future. How i long for things that are in my heart. I sit in astonishment of hope and peace. I get to share this wonderful spirit with my savior. For anyone who has ever felt this can not deny the truth of the restored gospel. Hopefully this preparation will do good for my talk Sunday.

i'm scared i can't control the future
knowing that i'm gone makes things uneasy
i can't control my feelings
i get nervous and my heart sinks
my eyes swell to make believe
to make faith in want i never had.

in some ways

my life's uncertainties find a way to disappear. Slowly and gradually I connect the dots to what is most fufilling in my life.

Realizations

Like so often since i've been home, i was woken up by my dog jumping on my bed. I'm not so sure what has come over me though. I have this really creepy feeling about myself. Its very close to a fearful feeling, but i guess more of an uncertainty. Maybe I'm not so old but for some strange reason i feel ancient. Its hard to imagine myself leaving for 2 years... what will happen while i'm gone? i don't know what it is that is making me feel this way. I'm positive nothing at home will change at all. Possibly someone in my family may pass away but that isn't really entering my mind. I do feel like i'll miss out on something. Maybe its cause its early in the morning and its accompanied by that lonely feeling. Or it could be something very different

How Do You Recognize The Spirit

As i have been preparing, I've tried to think of what exactly non members are lacking. What in general is absent in their lives that makes them say, "No i don't want to be bothered nor do i want to change."
Even though it is very difficult to live at home, i have a suitable place to learn. A place with morals and a general concept true happiness. With an obvious lacking of basic gospel principles. I have come to the conclusion of why it can be so hard to teach non members. Why there is a big lack of devotion to change in peoples lives. Universal concepts like; happy people are less egotistical and more altruistic. Always negative outlooks on life. worldly concepts consume their minds blocking off their hearts.
But you have the holy ghost by your side. You are being watched over. Be joyful. show how wonderful this gospel is. This is how you teach, this is how you should live your life. then you'll recognize the change in others. When they see that, "yes i need to worship, yes i need to have faith, yes i can see what is so wonderful now!" when they get the change of heart. That's when they can be born of God.
Then you teach them the purest way to happiness. Ask them to take the first step after finding faith in Christ. We ask them to repent and to be baptized. After the first few steps and after being confirmed a member and receiving the holy ghost, its all about enjoying to the end. It is wonderful and the most simplistic way to live a life. To be genuinely happy in this life is

1 Love and honor yourself, your spouse, and your children
2 Pray always
3 Attend church meetings to prepare and renew covenants
4 Go to the temple
5 Read and Study the Gospel
6 pay tithing


‘I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it’

we all get to make this choice

"Through the Holy Ghost you will know your place in this plan and your divine eternal destination. You will be converted to the Lord, His gospel, and His Church, and you will never fall away."

I'm going on a mission

i will soon see the stake president, my papers will be submitted. One of the apostles of this wonderful church will pray to heavenly father about me and assign me to a certain place in this world. The Prophet will look over it and agree. I will receive a letter in the mail from the Prophet calling me to serve. Just as my Patriarchal Blessing promised and foretold. So don't be a stranger, what great joy that is in my heart. I'm willing to share it.

----------------
Now playing: Radney Foster - The Kindness Of Strangers
via FoxyTunes

Tales of the Jazz age

Somehow you are supposed to take the good with the bad. Somehow i feel way to old for my age. Glancing back at the past relationships I've had. Romantic or friendly. my better friends, the ones I've adored the most have been older ones. the lack of any romance in my life is some what depressing. every relationship I've been in the past 5 years has been based off this, "well you can either be alone or not."

now I'm home, living a life i can't stand. My father is 4 times as immature as i am. My mother looks for me for answers. For instance today, i was going to help my cousin move into her new apartment. my dad and i go back and forth, loading and unloading furniture, meanwhile during every drip he smokes a cigarette. why depressing? Cause I hide my suit in my truck so my dad doesn't smoke near it and give it that grotesque odor. I'm sure now it stinks after 6 cigarettes.

my mother took control over moving my cousins belongings. OR SO SHE THOUGHT. With both of them telling us different things about where things go it'll drive any man crazy. after 30 minutes of moving heavy furniture around, i gave up on listening to my mother( cause its not her apt. its not her daughter, its not even her stuff). but the damage was done. For the past 2 weeks I've been sick. Today is the FIRST DAY I've left the house, not for church or for medicine. my body is weak and after moving this furniture, my back is thrown out and hurts to bend over or twist or move. So while this is going on the Elders are looking for me to come help them. I told my mom i had things to do, but they took forever. showing little care for me. after 4:30 i called the elders and told them i couldn't make it. at this point i started to feel upset.

Next thing to happen is my mom, my grandma, and my cousin want me and my dad to go get one last thing. I don't mind helping, i love my cousin to death. I love her son. He's my nephew and i will do anything for them. thats about the only reason why i stayed. my grandma is just old and senile, so i don't mind her at all. I caught her laughing at me moving things, and i asked her why are you laughing at me? and she continued to giggle for no reason. She's old and knows no better and i don't mind. my mother is post menopause, she gets upset at everything. With the combonation of them all and how i'm being treated by them all, my dad, and my brother(who i haven't mentioned sitting down the entire time barely doing anything. Finally after the last piece of furniture was put into place, my mom gets an idea (i know horrible! )

OH James go get!......

that's all i had to hear to lose my nerve. especially 2 minutes after telling them that my back really hurts. With having no life for 3 weeks, my suit smelling horrid, my back throbbing with pain. I don't understand why I'm treated this way by people i love.

they all going to ask why are you leaving on a mission? besides the obvious reasons of what i believe, what i truly love with my heart and spirit for others and the our savior. one thing stands out which fuels my unwavering want to serve is why not? i don't have real home or place of belonging anyways besides serving.

when i come home

i could have a job flying these when i come back.