two most abundant things in the universe. hydrogen and stupidity

the level of stupidity that goes on in some peoples minds are just beyond words. I can't say that i'm the smartest or even a smart person. i've done some bone headed things in my day. but today was ridiculous. not only did this guy lie to me and 3 other people saying he was sick. but some how i hope he learns his lesson. this guy told us he was sick was up the road playing softball. we stop by his room and he's not answering so now the man hunt begins, then we have to get everyone involved. it turns into a big ordeal. then he finally shows up to work blaming us for ratting him out. blaming me for something will definitely get me heated. he ranted for 3 minutes about how he never gets his way. then i told him to just leave, and go back to SOFTBALL. if SOFTBALL is more important to you than working here for the marines, for the country for your family. then just get out. then he said well its covered we have 3 people working tonight. seriously guy, well lets just slash the work forces across the country and lets but the whole military on call. then he admits to getting a speeding ticket. not to mention he is going through a divorce, is thousands of dollars in debt, is several points away from loosing his licence. has another girlfriend who has a kid who will probably take more money from him. he sits at work and does nothing and expects everything. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh the amount of times someones told him NO DON'T DO THAT YOU WILL GET BURNED. and he still does it.

shade and honey

the past few days have been some what stressful. although i was off monday through thursday. i managed to get this wednesday. playing basketball

i have had much worse. but it stressed me enough because i had to run a pft today. i had promised my buddy i'd help him run his and help out his score for promotion. so i always try to fufill my promises and ran it with him and help him keep a good pace. with a twisted ankle i still ran 3 miles in 23 minutes. i perform well under pressure. tough i wish to be Bear Grylls.
well i wish to have a cool name like Bear Grylls. maybe Dosh Falcon, Rip Jaguar, or Bone Woodsman

besides this nonsense. monday i went to Santee Cooper and was fun for the first few minutes i caught 2 big bass back to back in 10 minutes, and then the fish turned off but i did spend the day on the water which was awesome. i'm so tanned now its insane, skin cancer should be really soon. then i took amber to FHE. and we hung out all day wednesday. its taken years to get to know her but the more i know her the more i love the feeling. for the 2nd time in our history we were alone. it made me happy. the pureness of the moments were very savoring. it was sweet and enjoyable. after laying on a beach talking about our lame lives and staring at each other, i now find myself paying attention to my phone way more than i should. and i know she enjoys being near me. but if there was anymore feelings i have not a clue. as if i cared. i enjoy making her smile and laugh. and laughing at her expense.

May your shade be sweet
And float upon the lakes
Where the sun will be
Made of honey

The stars are dying in my chest
Till I see you again



----------------
Now playing: Sparklehorse - Shade And Honey
via FoxyTunes

prerequisites to be my wife

something that is always debated at work. finally i have to put it down for a laugh and fo serious. besides having the basic moral standards and spiritual things in common. these are a few things that i have to say are a must.

#1 you have to know the "take me out to the ball game" song. besides the star spangled banner i can't think of anything more American than that. not to be sexist but its more about me than anything. my mom's life is baseball now in a marketing sense. my dads life was baseball. I've played and coached it and plan on sharing that with my kids. something that's very basic about me.

#2 pancakes, bacon, eggs, and meat loaf. I'm not asking for a gourmet chef, but if you can make these simple things you are golden. i would go as far as waiting outside a culinary school and asking out the girls that made the best meat loaf out. prenups are stupid, but i think i might have to say in order to keep order between me and my wife we will have a prenup. she gets one thing at anytime and i get pancakes bacon or eggs anytime i want.

#3 artistically inclined. this includes music. bring something interesting to the table. i'm sorry i can not take Kenney Chesney being your favorite performer or worse Hootie and the Blowfish. Woman are supposed to be the more creative sex, i'm not dealing with dull boring girls anymore.

#4 competivly challenged, not so much physically or talent wise. but in a loving sense. i can't really remember it ever happening to me, i guess i would want someone to be on my team for once. to be competitive with me.

i deserve better

than a life full of lies

i asked the question

who wants to know me. all you have to do is ask. and i'll let you know.
i'm doing this for me.

i was getting ready to be a threat
i was getting set for my accidental suicide
the kind where no one dies, no one looks too surprised
and then you, then you realize that you're riding on the para-success
of a heavy-handed metaphor
and a feeling like you've been here before

cause you've been here before

this morning was absolutely horrible. i was about seconds away from yelling or punching through a wall.
then it sort of got better or just random and confusing. i was unofficially or some how asked to take a job here. where in 1 or 2 years i'll be making around 48,000 to 65,000 dollars a year.

once around the block

words cannot describe how bad and unhappy i feel today. rejected, embarrassed, lonely. never mind that sums it up pretty well.

How come no-one told me
All throughout history
The loneliest people
Were the ones who always spoke the truth
The ones who made a difference
By withstanding the indifference
I guess it's up to me now
Should I take that risk or just smile?

What do you know
It happened again
What do you know

Where would I be without youtube?



that takes me back to when things were more me.

thats how you be perfect

if you truly love, you may do what you like. then what you like can not fail to be right

Psalms 24
4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.
5 He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
6 This is the generation of them that seek him

spots

I'm watching Good Will Hunting which is one of my favorite movies ever. I'm not one to point out when a girl is "hot" or has a big or nice whatever. I've always kept things as modest as possible why i do not know but Minnie Driver is just really beautiful


i wish i was a happier person, after all my life is a joke. i continually make fun of myself and everyone around me. i can complain about the lack of positive things in my life. a lack of friends. a lack of life. or absence of whatever. but I'm tired of that. maybe there are a ton of idiosyncrasies in my life like being sad when all i end up doing is laughing at anything i can find funny. with all the bad i stay positive. or how I'm a recluse and hallow to the world cause that's how my dad is. maybe I'm gloomy because no matter what anyone else sees when they see my mom. she's still a sad person. with only the boys that are in her life to make her happy. that's everything to her even if we never let her do anything she wanted. its cruel but i don't ever call her. just cause it makes me that much sadder to miss someone else when i already miss everyone. if i could just stay away from all that bad things and stay unspotted from the terrible things in the world. in some way i should be
i might have something lying in dormant, supinely. I'm to scared to do anything about it. I'll try not to forget merriment so i won't be a hypocrite about being a cheerful person. if you truly love, you may do what you like. then what you like can not fail to be right




Nathaniel Hawthorne
Happiness in this world, when it comes, comes incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it.

Nathaniel Hawthorne
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.



James 1
27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

D&C 59
9 And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day;

as if i cared! to bad in some way i still do

things play out oddly, i've come to the conclusion that life sucks, oh well i got over it. i've gotten over the small bad things. i love the small good things that get me through everyday. i can't seem to figure out other people and everyone else around me. the petty fighting, the annoying habits, boys that are boys, and girls that are girls.
but right to the point of it all, it has been years since on some wave length connected with a girl. out of the small crowd that is here i finally notice someone that is different and special. i can see it plainly, the best thing is no one has ever seen it. she complains that she never gets any dates out in Provo. which makes a lot of sense but i let her know how i see her. in a very nice and sweet way. but timing is never my thing, this was back in December, of course i let her know as often as i could that i couldn't wait for her to get back from byu. as time grew, she never said how she felt about me, but when I INITIATED that i wanted to do anything with her she was excited. as February or so rolled around we managed to lose contact based on i never got any responses back from her. i didn't fret or get upset. i know she had a lot of studying to do trying to be a veterinarian. as the summer got closer i figured at least once she'd eventually tell me when she was coming back. the day i went to the temple i heard she was back in town. after the temple, there was a reception for one of her friends that got married at the temple that day. i crashed it to go see her, we hung out, danced once or twice and whatever. she seemed to avoid me, if i wasn't dancing. pretty weak. she said "she would be busy." i called her a few days later and still nothing. so i waited for some kind of word from her. but nothing, so now i come to find out she lives in Savannah which is an hour away not a big deal. but the total lack of care for any interest in me, well got me discouraged for a few moments. but after going to work today i realized whatever. i don't see how anyone can be with someone who is still scared to open up and share any type of feeling and be vulnerable in no way. it is very easy for me to turn the page on feelings now, which scares me alot. alot. alot.
i mean i just have alot to share with someone, i'm scared to show any of my feelings really. i just don't want anything to go to waste. i went through along period of my life completely numb without any feelings. I HATED MY LIFE then. i really did. i wasn't fair to anyone. i was dead on the inside. now i feel i have matured to a place where i'm full of potential goodness, i just wish to share but i feel so limited. if i could just let a small bit of it show, in anyway, it really is the only way i feel satisfied with my life at all.
by telling her that she was beautiful in my eyes, makes me feel better. even if she does nothing in return. my problem seems less complex.

this is the second song i've posted dealing with having a son. i dream about mine a lot

"how would it feel if i could change your life?"

"how would you do that?"

"ill be dedicated to making your life happy.
you are the kind of girl that fits
into my world"

oh happier times

i had a really good laugh today, brought to me by the chubbiest and biggest elder i have ever seen. i asked him to look up 2 nephi 18, and said i should sek the lord but what isn't i shouldn't seek. he looked it up and he just giggled at what he found, it was such a lame joke but what is a peeping wizard? his high pitched giggle was funny, especially from a big boy.




i just wish to disappear

how can the devil hold you when the world is so amazingly beautiful

so i guess i have a short string of bad luck, or maybe just responsibility is just a major thorn in my side. it could be that the last 2 weeks of missing every church activity possible because of work has hindered the strength i need to make it through my weeks. i just know that last night was about as terrible as pain can get. i woke up with a headache. it was really bad, but then again i was half awake. so maybe i was just dreaming that it was bad. i just remember feeling so much pain that i thought i understood what other people felt while dealing with pain. the pain or ache sat under my right eye then i could feel my heart beat above eye and it just pounded and pounded for along time. i finally got up and took some Motrin. i hesitated to take anything because the past few days I've had headaches the only thing that got rid of them had been cold showers. luckily the headache slowly went away after i took the motrin. it was an interesting feeling. i felt the relief of the pain subsiding, instead of the pain itself.
yesterday i didn't get to go see Elders that had to leave. its a somber and downhearted feeling always when i lose my friends. this was no different and felt even worse because i haven't seen them for a few weeks. its just a pattern that has been on repeat the past 5 years, every 6 months someone else moves on. i feel like i led a flock of birds north during the winter. i didn't get to see them for almost 3 weeks, i never could find the time to go see them. it was mostly work but yeah just an excuse. yesterday with having to work and feeling like crap, i just wanted to fall asleep.
a big success is after a great disappointment. there is another pattern forming even though i miss a ton of things cause of work, there is a few good things that have happened. hopefully today is the start of more good things. after I get the new elders, it seems I've been off every transfer they've had for a year. I've always been available to get the new ones. which is a weird thing to think about this will be the last transfers I'm around for. maybe just one more but I'm sure it'll only be one of them leaving and coming. so after the passed 3 years of being here and all the sets of elders I've known which is in the thirties to forties now, seems a little bit unreal. when I think of all the marine work I've done it feels like i've been here for 5 years. and when I think of all the missionary work Ive done it feels like only a year at the most. I guess it answers any questions of why I had to be here and not some place else.

at any rate this band Gregor Samsa uh
"While swimming through this music, you will find, for sure, some beautiful symphonic orchestrations, a lot of nostalgic guitars and many distant noises made by thousands of soft keyboards and dreamy voices whispering oceanic lullabies in your ears (because, without any advice, by the end of the first song you will be at the bottom of the sea)..."

i'm not a big fan of where i work BUT! ...

i love getting emails like this


"Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so."

- Thomas S. Monson


it can block out alot of the bad stuff

thats country son

just when i get tired and worn out, i have a day like this. where i wake up at 5 in the morning and work til 4. im just worn out in every since of the word. i wish i had more positives in my life. like calling home, which is so wonderful and terribly depressing at the same time. its so easy for me to get melancholy because i have an even greater ability to reminiscence. with a smell i can be taken back to anywhere. with the slightest breeze i can go back to summers as a kid. with a time of day or at dusk i can be taken to feelings of coming back home from where ever. especially during the fall i can walk outside feel the cool air with leaves falling, i really can feel certain situations i had growing up. i think the worst thing about the past 5 years of my life is that i won't have any of those feelings at all to speak of and or feel.

“Our lives passed away like . . . unto us a dream” (Jacob 7:26)






Pleasure turns to the pain, Of the lessons learned from the strain Of the questions burned in my brain, About whether to love is humane in its touch. These thoughts are like salmon swimming upstream in the tears of your deceit. Fighting the current hurt that kills more than is created by the chaos of our intertwined emotions. Chaotic because the anchor of Eros' arrow has been plucked from the vessel of my undying infatuation. Separation not as simple as the distance between us My mind no longer possessed by the demons that had been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies. The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply they have cracked the foundation of what we once shared. Allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside to gush out like a river, Ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and as brutally as if it were a child being taken from his mother's arms. I'm left surrounded in darkness but I refuse to be swallowed by it. My loneliness like the night air. Invisible to the eye, obvious to the touch, In its cold uncomfortableness Yet if I could do it all over again, I'd do it in the same skin I'm in. To lay down and let love die, Just stay down and let love lie, No, no, not I. I'll stay 'round and let love fly, Even though I have seen its darkest form, deceit. Nothing else could taste this warm or feel this sweet.

tired of my life

i hate the news

but i found this to be pretty amazing

life

psalms 30
5 aFor his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but bjoy cometh in the morning


alma 34
32 For behold, this alife is the time for men to bprepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of cthis life is the day for men to perform their dlabors.
33 And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many awitnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not bprocrastinate the day of your crepentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the dnight of edarkness wherein there can be no labor performed.
34 Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful acrisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth bpossess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.


james 4
14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a avapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

please remember to enjoy yourself at all cost

i think that Andrew Bird and Martin Dosh are the most brilliant artist there are in music today. innovative and simple. i also think Dosh is one of the coolest names i've ever heard. the dog i get soon will either be named Dosh or Mr. Bird.






seriously this is by far the greatest performance ever

WHERE IS MY TRAINING BRA !?

I learned something TERRIBLE about myself today. i openned my closet and discovered i have 14 pairs of shoes! really there are a pair in my truck just in case, and another pair of dress shoes at work. i need new church shoes too. I'M SUCK A CHICK!



in other but related news this was my only present i received for my birthday besides a card. and a necklace. I'm such a chick.

this is how i feel

really really need a break. the weekend i had was good. my mind was blank. i thought nothing about "me", i sat on the beach and contemplated the people around me. i really enjoyed the time alone by myself with no distractions. on Friday, i was home taught for the firsttime. which consisted of me eating a 20 ounce hamburger which was cool I'm now one of the handful of people to devour it. my picture is up on the wall at CheeBurger CheeBurger in Bluffton South Carolina. the lesson consisted of us watching the movie Iron Man. which totally sucked. but gweneth paltrow was the only thing that kept me awake.

then my home teacher got lost and i waited in the parking lot for him for half an hour. all in all home teaching was terrible to church standards, and was terrible except for the cheeseburger.
then i went to a dance, well i missed it, i got there for the closing prayer. so cool, i met all the wrong girls, ended up talking to Robert about kanye west, girl talk, justice, indie and hip hop. i guess music in general. then i got a hotel room. then went to a pool party and met 4 pretty girl that i talked to for an hour. an hour and a minute into talking to them i realized how wonderful it is to talk to them. an hour and 2 minutes into talking to them i realized how annoying these girls were.
the next day was boring. spent hours driving to a beach that was full of people. spent hours parking. spent to much to park. driving by myself was good, and sitting on the beach was good. Brother Kidd is a wonderful guy who runs the singles in the area. me and Robert sang some old soul songs to the girls that were there which. the songs were labeled as funny but inappropriate. but what can i say me and Mrs. Jones, we got a thing going on we both no its wrong but its much to strong to let it go. the Macon stake was there and they were so overbearing and wanted to run everything. there was a lot of annoying things i rather just forget, such as the beach going ping pong playing Italian that was on the beach. and the girl that didn't take no for an answer. but whatever. its over. so was the weekend, and as i woke up this morning i knew nothing had gone away. my problems still remained, which hurt my heart a lot. if i could sit down with someone who understood what i and how i feel. for what my problems and my short comings are worth. all it would take to fix my troubles would to get lost in someone elses. but that has never happened to me. or would it be so much to say i missed someone i've never met.

the only thing i feel is best displayed in this utube video from

Guillemots



i feel like everything and everyones escaping me, and i have no constants in my life.


maybe all these stupid things i do, or have to do is worth it like the tapes n tapes video



for the longest time all i wanted was someone to talk music with me. but that is less than what i want. all i want in my life is to talk about is what means everything to me. the gospel. that hasn't come close to happening yet. that is all my fault.

i can't dance but can i keep my revolution?

i am so tired of work. so tired of useless days and 12 hour nights. hooray for working by myself the next 3 weeks. no not really more like lame craptastic celebration that is my life. i'm sure i'll be assigned to cover all the work which that would be the norm. how often i feel contact from people and still feel secluded from any form of human contact. as if i built a raft and sailed to the moon. castaways of astronauts. damn my employment, time eludes my life. i feel old. work is always to long and boring. then for no reason there is a ton to do. then its finished and i've stayed 12 hours? i never sleep on a real schedule. theres never a calm moment. why do i ask for my life to be quiet? i am old.

TalkDemonic

beat romantic