this is how i feel

really really need a break. the weekend i had was good. my mind was blank. i thought nothing about "me", i sat on the beach and contemplated the people around me. i really enjoyed the time alone by myself with no distractions. on Friday, i was home taught for the firsttime. which consisted of me eating a 20 ounce hamburger which was cool I'm now one of the handful of people to devour it. my picture is up on the wall at CheeBurger CheeBurger in Bluffton South Carolina. the lesson consisted of us watching the movie Iron Man. which totally sucked. but gweneth paltrow was the only thing that kept me awake.

then my home teacher got lost and i waited in the parking lot for him for half an hour. all in all home teaching was terrible to church standards, and was terrible except for the cheeseburger.
then i went to a dance, well i missed it, i got there for the closing prayer. so cool, i met all the wrong girls, ended up talking to Robert about kanye west, girl talk, justice, indie and hip hop. i guess music in general. then i got a hotel room. then went to a pool party and met 4 pretty girl that i talked to for an hour. an hour and a minute into talking to them i realized how wonderful it is to talk to them. an hour and 2 minutes into talking to them i realized how annoying these girls were.
the next day was boring. spent hours driving to a beach that was full of people. spent hours parking. spent to much to park. driving by myself was good, and sitting on the beach was good. Brother Kidd is a wonderful guy who runs the singles in the area. me and Robert sang some old soul songs to the girls that were there which. the songs were labeled as funny but inappropriate. but what can i say me and Mrs. Jones, we got a thing going on we both no its wrong but its much to strong to let it go. the Macon stake was there and they were so overbearing and wanted to run everything. there was a lot of annoying things i rather just forget, such as the beach going ping pong playing Italian that was on the beach. and the girl that didn't take no for an answer. but whatever. its over. so was the weekend, and as i woke up this morning i knew nothing had gone away. my problems still remained, which hurt my heart a lot. if i could sit down with someone who understood what i and how i feel. for what my problems and my short comings are worth. all it would take to fix my troubles would to get lost in someone elses. but that has never happened to me. or would it be so much to say i missed someone i've never met.

the only thing i feel is best displayed in this utube video from

Guillemots



i feel like everything and everyones escaping me, and i have no constants in my life.


maybe all these stupid things i do, or have to do is worth it like the tapes n tapes video



for the longest time all i wanted was someone to talk music with me. but that is less than what i want. all i want in my life is to talk about is what means everything to me. the gospel. that hasn't come close to happening yet. that is all my fault.