it doesnt pay to try

usually on a day like this i am very upset. in ways i feel i lost my best friend. in other ways i realized i have some really amazing friends. maybe i lost someone who can understand me for who i am basically. and discovered that i have friends for what i have added on to my life. this trip has been horrendous, embarrassing, and sad. no matter it was all necessary. i finally feel as if i closed and opened a lot of doors that were unchecked. although the only problem i do have is a regret. i cannot deal with the pain of not being worthy during that time. i have never regretted a thing in my life until yesterday. i will probably have to deal with this for awhile. most likely the next 53 days will be something of a challenge because of it and other things. things like going home and to church where i have no friends. good people but all very weird. there really isn't anything but smiles and pleasant hellos. my calling seems like chore. i just hope to have friends and more people to uplift my heart. the lord helps me get by and fills up my heart so often. anything else would be so wonderful. i do feel re-energized. i do not want to be like the story of the 10 virgins. i do not want to run out of oil. i do not want to be left out again, on something amazing. i missed out on someone really amazing about 5 years ago. i do not regret the paths i chose, i regret the choice i made. this is to the most amazing talented and beautiful girl i have met in my life in my life. this will be the last words i will write on this blog. it has been my life for a few years. my thoughts and feelings mostly about how i am not noticed, how my life is secret and hidden. during this time in my life a lot of it was. i need to move on to start a new one. i'm trying to figure out how to have a mission blog. i just hope and pray for the strength i need in the next 2 years of my life. i really hope to find a best friend or someone to be around to update it. i change my first words. oh how i hope you will understand me.