I really need to learn.

i have really worked on starting my family history this past week. i have come to find out that most of the information i do have for my family is pretty much done in the temple. When i was going through the temple i had this wonderful feeling inside of me. It felt as if someone very close to me was just gleaming with happiness on the other side. with so many emotions going through me that day I never deciphered what or who it was. Then going through the records i knew it was my aunt. who passed away before i even knew her. as i read her name as being baptised and endowed. tears filled my eyes. crying so much i could not remember the last time it had happened. but again most of the work is done there. so to press on in the other 3 sides of my family tree. still needing my grandmother on my mom side and both grandparents on my dads side.
even doing this wonderful work for my ancestors, i have come to see that my family here on earth is really putting me through a huge test. it seems my dad only cares for himself. my mother seems to care about so much more than me. my brother is way off the scale of many things. i have had so many doubts about them. the adversary has really worked on my feelings and overwhelmed me so often. but i have felt the spirit more in my life than i ever have before. it seems each day i get into such hard feelings that i end up on my knees praying for guidance for what seems like hours. last night was one of the worst times i ever had with it. i was tempted several times. both ending in me praying long and hard. later to have joyful personal revelations for what it is i need to do. i'm glad to know that sometimes normally i would just find it okay to give in to the temptation and be upset. it may seem rather small but through what i have been through with my parents it has been a great blessing to know that i am progressing for the better.

first i was asked to pay the mortgage on my parents home. which is hard enough to do as is cause i have worked so hard to save my money. i have done well for myself and have been blessed. my mom has worked for 6 years with little support from my dad. but they have taken to much money from me that i will have to sell my truck. but im not very worldly. i can part from it and get another when i return, from my mission. still they are just trying slowly planting seeds to bring down my spirit.
then a couple of things happened to make this help in paying for the mortgage a huge slap in my face. my mom calls me from work demanding i order a new cable box for her room. which is pointless they dont need it. obviously cant afford it why do you need it when your son is paying for your house?
they continually destroy their bodies. one never eats. one smokes and drinks. none of them eat anything healthy. if i wasn't here, every night would be red meat, always. one night no one was home and it ended up that we had to order out. i was asked what i wanted i simply stated "a number 2 with a milkshake" i was soon mocked and laughed at cause that would cost way to much James! when my brother was asked what he wanted he order 2 meals. im only paying for the roof over our heads its okay. then i am mocked again when the toilet gets clogged. "james did it" yeah its me the only one who eats fiber in the house. yes the guy who plans out every meal he eats. soon i am called by other people in the family " james can i talk to your mom? oh yea why did you break the toilet?" yes i admit to being very embarrassed
there are a few more minor things happened that would get under my skin. a camping trip for one. but the worst thing to happen is they have indulged on my kindness. i have helped out my baby cousins learn how to play baseball. my aunt gave me 20 dollars for it, for helping them out several times. its was a nice gesture for her to pay me but i refused the money on more than one occasion. but eventually i gave in took the money. at the time in my pocket i had 100 dollars not including that 20 dollar bill. i needed to money to repay back someone i owed money too for helping me out. i set the money out in my room. but i'm at home figuring it was okay in a safe place not even thinking the it turning up missing. i figured it would be okay. i woke up one morning to find it out of its original location it was in the night before. only to find 20 dollars missing. so how wonderful is that? my parents stealing money from me. i soon walk out of my room not very out raged but upset. soon walks in my dad with the same poisons that i have mentioned hurting him before. but normally he cant always buy these things cause he doesn't have a job. but if you put one and one together it adds up perfectly. so the kind act of me of helping and my aunt goes to beer and cigarettes. great.
my mom asked am i really leaving to Guatemala. after i've done and told her about getting passports, clothes, etc. i'm like yes..... she soon replied "well you need to fill out a will" my first reaction is to be upset over the lack of faith. i know the lord will protect me, but you never know what lies ahead. plus she doesn't understand. then i soon figure out what she really meant. i told her "why would i need a will? her answer "what will happen to your money?" not what if something happens how will we afford this or that"
i know money is a touchy subject but seriously? its not about me or the lords work. its all about money to them. i'm sure she cares for me but that thought and that answer and every reaction i get shows that they just don't get it. my attempts so far to help them have been falling on deaf ears. i know i could tell right away that what i am to them sometimes is to be taken granted. if i do pass away on my mission the church will pay for the funeral. but if they make me or try to force me to make a will they wont see a penny. they will receive the greatest gift i ever owned and that being my scriptures.
i am happy to say that my grandfather and mother were very supportive. i love them very much. along with my mom dad and brother. i have prayed to forgive them. i know that in someway i have. even though its still under my skin. this friday my class will sing for them. i have set up a small church youtube video for them. the senior missionaries will be here along with the elders. friday will be a great day for them. i hope that they can learn from the spirit. which means i need to learn how to forgive them by then.